


Loved and Lost

by lilgirlost (lil_grl_lost)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Community: trope_bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-03-18
Packaged: 2017-12-05 16:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_grl_lost/pseuds/lilgirlost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur and Merlin were supposed to have their happy ending; but when an accident takes Merlin's memories, Arthur's left wondering if he'd ever see the man he loved again. Or would Merlin choose to stay stuck in a past that had long since moved on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loved and Lost

**Author's Note:**

> When I started planning out my trope bingo card, I decided that while I was taking a stab at writing tropes that I've only ever read, I might as well try my hand at some of the fandoms I enjoyed. 
> 
> Having said that, here's my standard disclaimer: this if my first time writing Merlin, I hope you like it. And also, it's unbetaed. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“How could he have been so stupid?” Arthur raged as he paced the length of his chambers while Merlin lay tucked in their marriage bed. One minute he had been berating Arthur about the stupidity of his decision concerning King Odin and the next, Merlin had been hit from behind, causing the young warlock to fall and knock his head against a jagged rock.  
  
Normally Arthur would would’ve been concerned with finding who dared to attack the royal procession; but the moment it became clear that Merlin had been gravely injured, all his focus rested on getting Merlin back to Camelot and into the capable hands of Gaius.  
  
“Sire,” Gaius started, “you need to calm yourself. Merlin has gotten out of worse scraps than this.” Gaius reason, subtlety bringing up all the times Merlin had saved Arthur’s life without a thinking of his own well-being.  
  
Spinning on his heel, Arthur shot Gaius a look that could only be described as deadly; yet, Gaius was unfazed, simply due to the number of times he’d been on the receiving end of Uther’s. And as much as Arthur tried to emulate Uther’s dynamic personality, he’d always have the kind heart of his mother, Ygraine, which more often than not lead him to do the exact opposite of Uther.  
  
“This time it’s different!” Arthur exclaimed, banging his hands against the back of his chair. “Before he was just--”  
  
“Your manservant.” Gaius interrupted, murmuring the words softly.  
  
Giving Gaius a pleading look, Arthur implored brokenly, “he’s my life, Gaius. I can’t lose him.”  
  
“And you won’t, sire.”  
  
Arthur nodded, seeming to resign himself to taking the small comfort which Gaius was able to provide. Even he understand that the old physician wasn’t a miracle worker, no matter how much he wished it to be so. There was nothing that Arthur could do but wait for Merlin to wake up; however, the longer he slept, the greater his fear became. Though he wasn’t a trained healer, Arthur knew from the battlefield that the longer it took a person to awake after a blow to the head, the least likely they would be wake up. As a prince, Arthur had witnessed many a knight never wake from their sleep-like state, instead they had slowly drifted into death.  
  
Once Gaius was finished redressing Merlin’s wounds, Arthur kindly and quietly asked that Gaius leave him, fully promising that he’d summon the physician if there was any change in Merlin’s condition. Walking silently over their bed, Arthur perched next to his consort’s still form, unused to seeing Merlin laying so still. If Arthur hadn’t known better, he’d think Merlin was merely asleep; but he did know better. Just as he was in life, Merlin couldn’t stay still even when absolutely exhausted. The young warlock continued to twitch and to murmur and steal all of the blankets from Arthur’s side of the bed. It was quite endearing to witness, though Arthur would never admit it to a living soul, not even Merlin. After all, he liked to keep some air of mystery regarding his love for Merlin.  
  
Pushing back a lock of Merlin’s hair from his clammy forehead, Arthur brushed his fingers along the paler than normal face, gently tracing the fine cheekbones and angular chin of his almost husband. Because no matter how much Arthur wanted it, Merlin could be his consort and his lover, but Camelot’s laws forbade him from ever being Arthur’s husband. Not even as King could Arthur change it.  
  
“Come on, dollop head.” Arthur whispered while blinking back the tears in his eyes. “As you’re king, I’m ordering you to wake up.” He waited a moment, as though he actually expected it to work; but when had Merlin ever followed Arthur’s orders... as his servant or later as his consort.  
  
Shoulders slumped, Arthur gently maneuvered his body onto the bed next to Merlin, taking great care as to not jostle the injured man. Threading his fingers through Merlin’s sweaty hair, Arthur leaned back against the headboard, settling in for a long night of waiting. There was nothing on this earth to move him from this spot until he glimpsed Merlin’s blue eyes again.  


***

  
Two long days and night later, Merlin finally opened his eyes, blinking the haziness from his eyes. Running his calloused hands along the expensive fabric blanketing his body, Merlin silently inventoried his surroundings: the sound of a fire crackling happily in the hearth and the heavy red curtains hanging from the bed he laid in...  
  
‘What am I doing in Arthur’s bed?’ Merlin thought to himself, while trying to keep his panic at bay.  
  
Pushing the blankets back, Merlin ignored the dull throbbing in his head as he quickly scrambled from the lush bedding. It was only when his feet touched the cold stone floor, did Merlin realize that he wasn’t properly dressed. Instead of his homespun red tunic and blue neckerchief, Merlin found himself standing in barefoot in Arthur’s sleep attire, that is when he actually wore clothes to bed.  
  
“So I didn’t fall asleep here.” Merlin muttered to himself as he stumbled away from Arthur’s bed and towards the fire. Spinning slowly in a circle as he went, Merlin looked around, hoping for any sign of his clothes. ‘Maybe I slept walked.’ Merlin thought; it had been known to happen when he was younger. Hunith had thought it was cute until the moment she caught him, age eight, trying to take a swim in a nearby stream.  
  
A loud bang echoed, causing Merlin to jump slightly before reaching out and grabbing ahold of the table as a wave of dizziness came upon him. Through his haze, Merlin watched as Arthur came closer, his body tense with the signs of distress. Pushing away from the table, Merlin stood, ready to explain to Arthur the reason why he was dressed like he was. But Arthur never gave him the chance, as soon as the blonde was close near, he grabbed Merlin, wrapping his arms tightly around the young warlock while whispering words softly into his tousled hair.  
  
Merlin wasn’t sure how long they stood there, but eventually Arthur pulled away, bringing his hands up and cupping Merlin’s cheeks gently. “What are you doing out of bed?” He asked with a smile and a chuckle. He had been so worried and now that Merlin was awake, Arthur felt as though the burden on his heart had been lifted.  
  
Finding the whole situation quickly becoming awkward, Merlin grabbed Arthur’s hands and pulled them away from his face before taking a step back, putting some distance between him and the prince; thus causing Arthur’s smile to drop from his face as his brow furrowed in confusion.  
  
“Arthur,” Merlin began, unsure of how to even start his explanation. After all, Merlin had no memory of how or why he was standing in Arthur’s chambers and wearing his prince’s nightshirt. “This isn’t what it looks like... actually I have no idea what this looks like. So... I’ll just be going, now.” Merlin rambled, a little embarrassed, and whole lot of confused, by the manner he was found in.  
  
“Merlin,” Arthur murmured, hand reaching out to grasp his lover’s arm, but Merlin quickly stepped away again, evading Arthur’s questing hand. “Looks like? Going where? Merlin, I don’t understand.”  
  
Turning towards the still partially open door, Arthur called out, “Percy, get Gaius. Merlin’s awake.” Since Merlin’s accident, Percy and Gwaine had been standing guard outside the royal chambers, helping Arthur in anyway that he needed. “Why don’t I help you back into bed?” Arthur asked as he neared Merlin, holding his hand out in order to grasp Merlin’s elbow.  
  
“Back to your bed?” Merlin asked suspiciously; Arthur’s behavior was making him uneasy. Maybe something had happened to his prince... a witch’s spell or a potion. Either way it didn’t matter, Merlin silently resolved himself to fixing it.  
  
“Yes,” Arthur drawled, keeping his face blank as he grabbed Merlin’s elbow and tugged him gently in the direction of his bed. Once there, Arthur helped Merlin back into bed before tucking blankets and sheets around him. Just as he finished, the door opened to reveal Gaius, who was a little out of breathe from having partly jogged to Merlin’s bedside.  
  
Stepping away, Arthur stopped Gaius with a hand on his arm. “There’s something not right, Gaius.” He whispered, so Merlin couldn’t hear them. “When I came in, he seemed confused as though he didn’t understand why he was in our room.”  
  
Gaius nodded his head in understanding and said, “Head wounds have been known to cause some confusion, sire. I’m sure it’s nothing. Now if you’ll let me see my patient.”  
  
“Of course, Gaius.” Arthur replied as he stepped aside to allow Gaius to pass. Rocking back and forth on his heels, Arthur waited impatiently as Gaius crossed to the bed, ready to examine Merlin.  
  
“Sire, maybe it would be best if you waited outside,” Gaius told him, knowing full well that if Arthur was allowed to stay, he’d hover and Gaius wouldn’t be able to concentrate on Merlin’s wellbeing.  
  
“Right,” Arthur agreed then jerked his thumb over his shoulder and towards the door. “I’ll just be outside with Percy and Gwaine. Call if you need anything.”  
  
As soon as the door shut behind Arthur, Merlin gripped Gaius’s tunic and pulled him forward, with a look of wild panic in his eyes. “Gaius, what’s wrong with Arthur.”  
  
“Lean back, my boy,” Gaius instructed, leaning over Merlin’s body. “Let me check your bandages.”  
  
Merlin followed Gaius’s order without complaint; however the moment he was settled, Merlin started talking again. “Gaius, there’s something wrong with Arthur.”  
  
“Why would you say that?”  
  
“Because,” Merlin hissed through clenched teeth, “he didn’t threaten me with the stocks when he found me half-dressed in his chambers.” Groaning softly, Merlin thumped his head against the pillows. “Oh god, Uther’s going to kill isn’t he... I’m going to end up dungeons. Gaius, promise me you’ll visit.”  
  
Pulling open Merlin’s eyelids, Gaius checked for any abnormalities in his eyes. “Merlin,” Gaius said softly, pausing briefly to allow his mind time to formulate exactly what he wanted to ask his young friend. He had seen mind confusion take on many forms; normally though, the person only had trouble remembering people’s names. Never had someone thought a dead person to be still living. “How long has it been since you came to Camelot?”  
  
“What season is it?” Merlin questioned, needing to know Gaius’s answer before he could give his own.  
  
“Late summer, Merlin.”  
  
Mentally counting in his head, Merlin supplied, “Two years,” which caused a look of distress to cross Gaius’s face. Clearly, his answer hadn’t been right one. “Gaius, what’s wrong.”  
  
“Nothing, my boy.” Gaius replied before patting Merlin on his blanketed knee as he stood. Grabbing the clear vial he had left beside the bed, Gaius handed it to Merlin. “Here, drink this and just rest.”  
  
“But why am I in Arthur’s bed?” Merlin protested, annoyed by the lack of explanation from his mentor. It was normal for Gaius to be his secretive with him, so something was clearly wrong in Camelot. He just didn’t know what.  
  
“Rest, Merlin.” Gaius ordered again, going as far as to push Merlin gently back into the pillows when he tried to leave. Watching, Gaius waited until the sleeping draught had taken effect before leaving, silently motioning Arthur to follow him down the corridor.  
  
“What’s wrong with him, Gaius?” Arthur demanded; he was worried and anyone could see it written across his face.  
  
“It would appear that Merlin is suffering from a kind of memory loss.” Gaius explained calmly. Although, he was concerned for the young warlock, there was no reason to become panicked over it.  
  
“Memory loss,” Arthur repeated before asking, “what can we do to fix it?”  
  
“Not much, I’m afraid, sire. Sometimes the memories return on their own and others they are lost forever.”  
  
“Can’t Merlin’s magic fix him or something.” Arthur questioned. Since Merlin had revealed his magic, Arthur had quickly come to rely upon it as the solution to any and all problems, much to Merlin’s disdain and sometimes slight embarrassment.     
  
Sighing deeply, Gaius leveled his King with a look and said, “Not everything can be solved with magic, sire. In this case, we’ll just have to let nature take it’s course.”  
  
“Is there anything that we can do to help him?”  
  
“I’ve heard that telling the person stories and giving them memories sometimes will help their own to return,” Gaius explained. “In Merlin’s case, he’s missing quite a lot of memories.”  
  
“How many?” Arthur asked, even though he didn’t really want to know the answer to it. Based on his brief time with Merlin, his lover knew who he was; though it didn’t seem like they had reached the lover/partner phase of their friendship yet.  
  
“Roughly, sire, about four years.”  
  
Arthur gasped at Gaius’s response, that put Merlin’s memory sometime before his father’s death at the hands of Morgana. “He still thinks my father is alive.”  
  
“Yes, sire.” Gaius replied, “Merlin did express a concern about Uther throwing him in the dungeons for being in your chambers dressed as he was.”  
  
Shaking his head, Arthur glanced out a nearby window, watching as his subjects went about their day. “Is he still awake?”  
  
“No, sire. I gave him a mild sleeping draught,” Gaius explained. “I’m sorry to leave you but I have other patients to attend. Send Gwaine or Percy for me if I’m needed.”  
  
“Thank you, Gaius.”  
  
“My pleasure, sire.” He replied before heading in the direction of his rooms. All they could was wait and pray that Merlin’s memories returned; otherwise, Gaius worried that his young King would be in for a world of heartbreak.  


***

  
By the end of the first week, Arthur couldn’t decide which was worse: Merlin’s continuing insistence that something was wrong in Camelot or the knights’ expressions of what a kicked puppy looked like because Merlin didn’t remember them. Out of all the knights, Gwaine’s was the worst. Gaius had even gone as far to remark on how it resembled what he imagined a kicked puppy would look like after his favorite chew toy had been taken away and burned in front of him. While he was one of the best healers in all of Camelot’s borders; Arthur didn’t find him or his comments to be all that helpful. Regardless, Arthur could feel his patience wearing thin and he knew that Gaius wasn’t far behind, if the new seemingly permanent exasperated look was anything to go by.  
  
Scrubbing his hands across his face, Arthur groaned loudly before threading his fingers through his hair and tugging, making his hair look even bit like a hedgehog. Or at least Merlin would have said he looked like one, if he was currently trying to actively avoid Arthur out of fear for his virtue... or so he claimed.  
  
As Gaius continued to pour over every healing tome he owned and even some he didn’t. Gwaine, Percival, and Elyan had been sent to Lord Godwyn’s kingdom in hopes of finding any information Gaius didn’t already possess. It was while the trio was gone, Arthur decided to try his own brand of healing... recreating the memories they once shared.  
  
Unfortunately, the recreation of their first kiss ended almost as soon as it begun, with Arthur sporting a newly sprained wrist and Leon falling into the lake. Even now, he still claimed to have lake water in his ears, and Camelot’s court was inclined to agree, especially due to Leon’s continued, ‘huhs’ and ‘can you repeat that?’.  
  
“Sire?”  
  
Turning away from the window, Arthur motioned the older man forward; he had seen Gwaine, Elyan, and Percival return not an hour ago and knew that soon Gaius would come to bring him news... if there was any.  
  
“I am sorry,” Gaius said gravely. “They brought no new information from Lord Godwyn’s kingdom.”  
  
With a deep sigh, Arthur murmured a soft, “I figured as much.” From the window, he had seen the hurt and anger upon his knights’ faces when they arrived; if there had been an ounce of joy upon Gwaine’s face, Arthur would’ve had hope that there was a cure for Merlin. “What do we do, Gaius? I have tried to help him remember... I won’t force him to be with me if he doesn’t want to be.”  
  
“I know, sire,” Gaius replied gently before coming closer to his king. “I think the best course is to let Merlin decide his path. If he wishes to return to being my assistant instead of court sorcerer then it’s his decision to make.”  
  
“Merlin isn’t always the greatest at making the right decisions, Gaius,” Arthur joked, giving Gaius a flat small followed by a humorless chuckle.  
  
“That may be so, sire; but this is Merlin’s life. And only he can choose his destiny, now.”  
  
Nodding his head in silent agreement, Arthur flicked his wrist, effectively telling Gaius that he wanted to be left alone. Once his chambers were empty, Arthur collapsed on his bed and burying his face in Merlin’s pillow, which still smelled faintly of his soap. Holding back his tears, Arthur laid there and thought about all the things he needed to do... mainly, the pressing matter of calling his council and announcing the decision he finally made with regards to Merlin’s situation. Thought, it could wait for now.  


***

  
If Arthur had known that another knock to Merlin’s head would have returned his memories then he would have aim a pewter goblet at his head months ago, thus saving a lot of people--namely him--a lot of heartache and grief.  
  
The second blow to Merlin’s head happened in much the same way as the first while Merlin had been berating Arthur. This time it was on all the reasons why it wasn’t Arthur’s job to protect him. From Merlin’s viewpoint, it was his job to save Arthur because he was only a lowly servant and not the King of Camelot; it didn’t matter if he got hurt. As far as Arthur was concerned, those were fighting words; Merlin mattered especially to him.  
  
“Merlin!” Arthur yelled, watching in seemingly slow motion as his consort fell to the forest floor. Rushing to his side, Arthur pulled him from the ground and into his arms, cradling his body close as the knights surrounded them, providing protection from their unknown enemy.  
  
With a quick glance to his knights, Arthur flicked his eyes to the left of Elyan, silently giving him the signal to make for their horses. Elyan returned Arthur’s gesture with a jerk of his head before tapping Percival on the shoulder, telling him to follow.  
  
As the knights continued to circle, Arthur focused his attention on trying to get Merlin to open those gorgeous blue eyes he loved so much. “Come on, idiot. No sleeping on the job,” he murmured while patting Merlin’s cheeks. Arthur needed him to be okay; a Merlin without his memory was better than no Merlin at all.  
  
“Not lazy,” Merlin muttered, seconds or minutes later; Arthur couldn’t be sure. Blinking against the haziness in his head, Merlin slowly open his eyes and peered into the face of his king, giving him a fond almost teasing smile. “Hi... cabbagehead.”  
  
“It’s you!” Arthur announced, laughing uncontrollably as he stared into the face of the man he loved. Most wouldn’t the difference, but Arthur knew every inch of Merlin’s face and could see the smallest hint of exasperated fondness Merlin had begun to show just after they became lovers.  
  
Reaching up, Merlin wiped the tears that had started to fall unchecked down Arthur’s cheeks. “Sorry it took so long to get back.”  
  
“Forget it,” Arthur replied as he helped Merlin sit up. “Just don’t ever do it again. Promise me that.”  
  
“I promise, Arthur,” Merlin said laughing as Arthur pulled him into a kiss, enjoying the feel of his king’s lips upon his. Breaking the kiss, Merlin pulled away and looked into Arthur’s eyes and said, “As much as I’d like to continue this, I don’t think I like the knights getting a free show. Plus, we still have the matter of our enemy hiding in the woods not far from us.”  
  
“Good point, Merlin,” Arthur agreed before standing to help tug Merlin off the ground. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around.” He teased fondly, earning a sharp pinch from Merlin.  
  
“Will finish this at home,” Merlin muttered, giving Arthur one of his cheeky grins which held so much promise.  
  
“Count on it.” Drawing his sword from its sheath, Arthur winked at Merlin before rejoining his knights; in a few hours, they be home where Merlin would receive a proper welcome home celebration.


End file.
